End your circular thinking, constant stress, deep frustration, anger and sleepless nights of being a cancer caregiver. Beat your helplessness , hopelessness and frustrations of not knowing how best to help your loved one. Stop your recurring cancer nightmares and anxiety driven heightened vigilance and step out of the shadow of cancer into your brighter future.

I care, therefore I am. But what about me?

For a spouse or a partner of a cancer patient, the cancer journey is often a stressful one. In some parts of the journey, their stress has been noted to be higher than the Cancer patient themselves. As a carer with so many practical issues to deal with, your anxieties, stresses, thoughts and emotions take a back seat.

It is easy to forget about yourself and your needs, but sometimes things can get too much and matters come to the forefront of your mind.

When they do, you may dismiss them as selfish notions, self pity or even weakness. You may get angry with yourself for even having these thoughts or daring to think about yourself. You can wonder if you are being “punished” – why did it happen to us?

The anger, frustrations and sleepless nights worrying about the future, all take their toll.

The sense of helplessness and hopelessness, the recurring nightmares and circular thinking have a profound impact upon you.

I’m a carer now - where’s the manual?

Being a carer can at times be both frustrating and demoralising. Your frustrations at not knowing how to help can leave you feeling like a failure and unsure of what to do.

At times it can seem that your efforts are not appreciated; that whatever you do it does not seem to be good enough.

Though you are doing your best, you don’t seem to meet other people’s expectations of how best to help.

At times you may feel that you have no control over your life anymore. You can feel yourself withdrawing from society and you can also feel that society has forgotten about you. If you gave up employment to become a carer, you may feel this loss more keenly.

The sense of loss of workplace camaraderie and of life outside of the home can be profound. If you still work, the impact of being a carer can leave you feeling isolated and remote from your colleagues. You may fear career stagnation and feel that you will be overlooked for promotion. You may also feel a sense of divided loyalty and conflict between work and home.

Responsibilities that were once shared now fall solely on your shoulders. As well as being a carer, you have to keep a job, look after the family and deal with these stresses and anxieties, stay positive, be strong for everyone else and “carry on regardless”.

As well as your emotional, psychological and mental health, your physical health may suffer too. A new study provides strong evidence that such continuing stress appears to damage caregiver's immune system and increases their risk of age related diseasesclick here.

Men and Women Respond Differently to Stress

Discoveries by scientists over the past ten years have indicated that men and women both respond to and cope differently with stress. Generally speaking, women tend to voice their stress more readily and become emotionally distressed, whereas men tend not to talk about the psychological stress of cancer.

Rather, they show their stress in more physical ways, or for them stress manifests itself through their body as headaches, backaches and general aches and pains.

Perhaps, the reason for this is that stress activates different parts of the brain in men and women.

In men, stress activates the Orbitofrontal Cortex of the brain, triggering the “fight or flight” response, whereas in women, stress activates the Limbic System, which is associated with the emotional responses. Women have been found to show a greater stress response in cancer populationsclick here.

Female spouses of cancer patients have been shown to be vulnerable to distress and often report higher levels of emotional distress than their male counterparts,click here,click here,click here,click here.

Regardless of how stress is experienced, stress needs to be dealt with

The solutions that we provide work for men and women equally. We will always treat you as an individual with your own unique needs and desires. Find out how by visiting ourconsulting website, orcontact ustoday to book your consultation.

It’s not a “sign of weakness” to ask for support. In fact, it’s a sign of strength

Many people feel embarrassed to even acknowledge that they may need support, even though cancer may well be the most traumatic event they have ever had to deal with.

There is a widely held belief amongst some people that getting help for improving your emotional, mental and psychological health is a sign of “weakness”, or that you have to reach crisis point before you seek support.

These beliefs can be further reinforced by perceptions of gender role and stereotype. Furthermore, the fear of the stigma and repercussions for employment and insurance etc, prevent some people seeking the support they need. Fortunately, in recent years there has been a heightened awareness of the role of stress management and support in one’s overall wellbeing and quality of life. As a consequence, more people are actively seeking support.

However, there is still a gap in meeting the needs of men. There is the perception, held amongst many men, that the majority of available therapies are better suited to the needs of women than men, because they focus more on the emotional aspects of the cancer journey.

Throughout your journey, you may need different kinds of support; practical, psychological, emotional, spiritual and social.

Regardless of how stress is experienced by both men and women, unresolved distress has a profound impact upon the overall quality of your life and the wellbeing of all members of the family.

Strengthen yourself, strengthen your family. Find out how by visiting ourconsulting website, orcontact ustoday to book your consultation.

Strengthen yourself, strengthen your family

When a couple is dealing with cancer, a partner’s psychological distress might drag down the wellbeing of either person.

According to a new study, the physical health of husbands seems to be specifically vulnerable to the poor emotional wellbeing of their wivesclick hereand treating the wife’s stress may provide indirect care for men with prostate cancer.

Another study of breast cancer patients suggests that quality of their marital relationship may have a significant impact upon how the patients cope physically and emotionally, that can lead to poorer recovery from cancer.

When looking at overall health performance, the researchers observe that women in bad relationships saw a significantly slower recovery than did other women. Distressed women also started with significantly higher levels of symptoms and signs of illness, compared to women in good relationshipsclick here

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Ease your distress and help strengthen your relationship. Find out how by visiting ourconsulting website, orcontact ustoday to book your consultation.

Communication - the “magic roundabout”

As cliché as it may seem, often men and women do struggle to communicate with each other and wonder why they don’t think and behave in the same way. Scientists have already highlighted differences in men and women’s brains in regions involved in; language, memory, emotion, hearing and navigation!

When dealing with cancer, the implications of these differences go far beyond just the day-to-day interactions - they directly impact the health and wellbeing of the whole family.

Cancer brings new territory and you can feel ill equipped to cope. Under normal circumstances, most couples tend to find their “happy median” in terms of communication. Cancer can change this and during the heightened stress that cancer brings, both the tolerance and the desire to communicate can change.

Cancer often changes both how and what you communicate with your partner, your family and friends.

In some ways you can grow much stronger and closer and going through the journey together can create greater and more powerful emotional bonds. In other ways, you may feel separated and isolated.

Cancer can put up so many walls – the person who might have been your “rock”, may not be there for you in the same way that you now need.

You may feel inhibited, or that your personal worries are “trivial” or insignificant in respect to theirs. For various reasons, worries and thoughts can remain unsaid and over time these can accumulate to become real barriers in your relationship. If unresolved, they can lead to a real crisis in your life.

The frustration at not knowing how to communicate and the exhaustion and feelings of being overwhelmed can create a vicious circle that leads to even less communication and more distress.

As the cancer journey moves on, sometimes the issues that you face as a cancer carer can remain unresolved. Your partner may have resolved some of their issues and moved on, but you can still be “stuck” in your vicious circle.

Break the vicious circle, step off the “magic roundabout”, pull down the barriers and move on. Find out how by visiting ourconsulting website, orcontact ustoday to book your consultation.

Sex and Intimacy

Sex and intimacy is the taboo subject affecting many couples in their journey through cancer. Dealing with the stress and anxiety surrounding these aspects is important for maintaining a good quality of life.

( To find out how we can help you, read our page onsex and intimacy).

Your quality of life mirrors your stress response

The stress experienced by carers throughout the cancer journey fluctuates. Certain periods or events may be more stressful than others. In some parts of the journey the stress experienced by the carer is greater than that of the patient.

The stress response includes physical, emotional, psychological, mental and social aspects. Throughout the journey, the quality of life often tends to mirror the stress response.

For some cancer patients and their families, for cancers with a high recovery rate, the overall stress duration can be relatively short.

This has been shown in a study into men with Testicular Cancerclick here. Even for this type of cancer with its high recovery rate, families may still need extra support in dealing with the varied stresses that they experience.

For some other cancers, with a lower recovery success rate, the stress duration is often longer and other aspects such as the fear of the cancer returning and worries about the future create additional and ongoing stresses.

Delayed reaction

Whatever the type of cancer, many carers experience delayed shock and stress. It is often the case that during the early parts of the journey, the level of stress of patient and carer is inversely related.

In other words, during surgery and treatments, when your partner is stressed, you try to be strong, pushing your own stresses into the background. It is only afterwards, that you may feel the real extent of your own stress and anxiety.

Many carers vividly recall and remember distressing images, conversations and the sometimes highly charged atmospheres experienced during the different parts of the journey. Sleepless nights, worries and a heightened level of anxiety about the “what if’s”, unanswered questions and circular thinking, can persist long after the events have passed and they can be difficult to shake off.

Though the cancer patient may have indeed moved on to a “new chapter” in their life, you and your family may remain “stuck on the same page”; with unresolved memories, worries and fears.

This changes the dynamics of the relationship within the family and creates further stresses that can destabilise and do lasting damage.

Carers are often the unspoken casualties of cancer...

...Release yourself from the clutches of past negativity and leave the worrisome images, thoughts and emotions in the past. Ease your stress, strengthen your relationships and regain control over the quality of life you desire. Find out how by visiting ourconsulting website, orcontact ustoday to book your consultation.

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